Birthmom

Yesterday was Asher's birthday... at least according to his Chinese birth certificate. The truth is, we don't actually know when he was born. It's likely that the assigned birthday isn't too far off from his real birthday, if at all. As we were told by CCAI, because the Chinese officials do this a lot (estimate birthdays), they're pretty accurate, plus, since he was found so young, there wasn't as much margin for error as with, say, a 6 year old.

I've pondered this fact many times, particularly when thinking through things as we waited to bring him home. What will it be like when he's older? Will he mind that we don't know exactly? In many countries around the world, birthdays aren't as big of a deal as we make them here in the U.S. So, I suppose if we don't make a big deal out of not knowing, it may not be a big deal to him.

But all the uncertainty of the actual birthday also goes along with thinking of all the other unknowns involved. So many details of his story we don't know, even though we have been blessed tremendously with more knowledge than most. Today, however, I would like to write a little about someone I will never know anything about: Asher's Birthmom.

One of the things that really stuck in my head from the parent training was the recommendation that we don't romanticize Birthmom. Don't make her out to be some poor, downtrodden hero, and also don't make her into a horrible villain. The basic point was just that, since we don't actually know anything concrete, we should choose carefully what information we pass on to Asher in the future. We shouldn't make up some glamorous story, like a Disney movie or anything, but just stick to the facts.

So, here are the facts I do know: Asher was found outside a pediatric medical facility in LuoHe, Henan, the most populous province in China. LouHe is a very small, very poor city. Those are the only concrete facts I know.

Here is my interpretation, which formulates my opinion on the matter: Remember, this is my interpretation of the facts... just what my limited brain makes out of the few puzzle pieces we have. I could be way off, and if I am, I don't really know that it makes a ton of difference. Whenever the day comes that Asher does have questions, I will make sure he knows the discrepancies between what I know and what I think.

1. He was found in LuoHe. I assume that means he was born there. I could be wrong. It is listed as his place of birth.

2. He was found outside a pediatric medical facility. I think this is a pretty clear indicator that whomever left him there, which could be Birthmom or could be someone else, wanted him to be found and cared for. Otherwise, there are lots of other not-so-nice places babies are found (not just in China. It happens all over the world, unfortunately). If a baby is left in a public place, and a medical facility at that, it shows that whomever has left them knows that they will be found, protocol will be followed, and the baby will be placed in someone's care.

3. He was not aborted. Obviously, otherwise we wouldn't even be discussing him, but the fact is that she could have chosen to end the pregnancy. She didn't do that though. 

I don't know where Asher fell into the birth order with his Birthmom. Maybe he was not the first, and they couldn't afford the fines required by the government for keeping a second child. Maybe he was the first, and they didn't keep him because of the cleft. Perhaps it's simply because the reality was that they didn't have the resources to keep him alive. If his cleft was their only reason for abandoning him, it's not automatically a sign that they are horrible people who hate "imperfect" kids. Maybe he was the first and babies just didn't fit into their plan because, like a large percentage of the Chinese population, both parents are migrant workers, and they have to work hours that don't allow for a family; in cities far from their own home. I don't know. I'm left to speculate about all that too, but the thing I again tend to derive from it, as a mother who has carried three kids through pregnancies, is that she loved him enough to carry him through to birth. Since ultrasounds are rare in most normal pregnancies over there, I doubt she knew he would be born with the cleft. Thus, I can't imagine what it must have been like to carry him the whole time, potentially expecting a "normal" child, and then to have to give him up. Crushing. I can't think of how devastating that must be. Again... this is all me just assuming things through my own brain processes and way of thinking. Maybe I'm way off, but if she never planned to keep him to begin with, and abortion is not uncommon, then the fact that she chose to give birth to him shows that she did care about him...

... and what if she still does? She must remember that two years ago, right around this day, she gave birth to a little boy. Even if she didn't have any desire in her heart to keep him, the fact that you pushed out a baby isn't something you completely wipe out of your brain! Does she think about him? Does this time of year, when the peonies are in full bloom, remind her of this little guy? Does her heart ache with the question of what happened to him after he left her arms? I would love to be able to assure her that he is safe and loved and doing great, but that's something I will never be able to do.

Whether she loved him or not, whether she wanted to keep him, always knew she would leave him, or despised him from the saw his face and cast him aside for that sole reason, it doesn't make a difference in my day to day life. Whether she remembers him with love, or feels sadness and loss, or never thinks of him at all, it doesn't change the fact that we will never know anything about her. Asher will never have all the answers about his past. That's just an unfortunate part of the deal. However, he now has a mother who went to the other side of the world for him, and would do it again in a heartbeat. He now has a father who is just as proud of him and loving toward him and he is toward the son who shares his DNA; a father who spent the entirety of the days preceding Gotcha Day repeatedly announcing "I just want to go get my son!" He has sisters who adore him and a brother who doesn't want to ever be separated from him, even for naptime!

At this time of year more than any other, I will think about and pray for Birthmom. She will never know how her own choices have impacted our life. She will never know that Asher, this wonderful gift whom we will forever have as our own son, is a direct result of the difficult path she took by carrying out her pregnancy and then giving him up. I hope this post serves to honor her. All of my conclusions, interpretations, and theories about her could be completely inaccurate. However, I choose to think of her as brave for enduring such hardship. I can't ever thank her, but I am so thankful for Asher and I believe this woman deserves respect.