Perspective and a Broken Heart... a.k.a. Apparently the Mall Makes Me Angry!

We've had a houseguest for the past few weeks. EF is a program that arranges for students from all over the world to travel to other parts of the world for language training. In some cases, it's like a foreign exchange student or au pair program. Here in town, it's about 33 kids from Shanghai coming for about 3 weeks. The kids range in age from 9 - 14 and attend English class in the mornings, with sightseeing and outings in the afternoons. They stay with local families who volunteer to host. We, however, aren't hosting a student. Once again, we're hosting one of the Course Leaders. This isn't our first time (we hosted in the summer of 2010 as well). We see it not only as a chance to open our house and practice hospitality to a stranger, but also a chance for our family to learn more about Asher's (and #5's) homeland. Hosting an adult, rather than a student, works better for us. The kids have greatly enjoyed "Miss L," as she lets them parade around the house with her camera and cell phone and play games on her computer much more frequently than Mommy does... all much to my chagrin, I'm afraid (we can't afford to replace that phone, should my children accidentally do something to it).

Miss L spends her days at language school with the kids. We really only see her for a couple hours at night between pick-up and dinner and then again in the morning for breakfast and drop-off. She keeps very much to herself, despite our best attempts to engage in conversation, but she's friendly; she will engage when we bring up a topic, and she's great with the kids. Though she's nearly 30, it's her first time away from home, and her first time out of the country. She's "home with us" for the weekends, but the first weekend, she spent the entire time shopping with the other Course Leader, "Miss W," and her hostess. We really barely saw her.  Still, it is cool to learn the little bits and pieces about her that she's willing to share, and my conversations with her have definitely been eye-opening, though not always in a pleasant way.

This past weekend was my turn to taxi both Miss L and Miss W to the mall. We chose a mall in O-town to which I'd never been before. It is, shall we say... more upscale than our budget allows, but I was looking forward to going. A day without the kids sounded lovely - a day to talk with these ladies and hear about their lives in a faraway land that I happen to have a particular soft spot for in my heart. I wasn't going to shop, but was looking forward to a nice day out of the ordinary schedule. Nice didn't exactly happen though.... more like a bucket of ice over the head... a jolt of "reality" and a glimpse of a different perspective...

I want to preface the rest of this account with a disclaimer: Miss L and Miss W are perfectly nice ladies. I am happy to have them here, thankful for the opportunity to meet them, and completely aware of the fact that the opinions they express and viewpoints they share (though both ladies have their own free will, born with the ability to think independently) are most definitely the product of their environment. They have been raised to think a certain way, and they don't question it one bit. I can understand how, when something... a concept or a viewpoint... is your complete reality from birth, reinforced by everyone you encounter every day, you have no reason to question whether it might be wrong. So, PLEASE HEAR ME when I say that nothing I discuss here is meant to be an insult to these ladies, nor do I blame them completely for their thinking. I am not insulted by their questions or opinions, nor am I angry with them for anything they've said. They are the product of a tragically fallen world, marred by sin. As it says in 2 Corinthians 4:4, "the god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel that displays the glory of Christ...". These ladies are precious; made by God, made in His image, and loved by Him.... same as you and me. So please don't read into this that I am bashing them in any way or that they have angered me. Please don't leave me nasty comments about how I'm hateful toward them or how I need to be more tolerant of their culture. Bear with me.

So, now that I've probably got you speculating wildly about what on earth I might say, I will tell you about my day. We set out early to make it over to the mall. I was looking forward to a good hour-long car ride of conversation and getting to know each other. So were they... looking forward to conversation among themselves. They spoke not one word of English the entire time, except for 30 seconds when they paused to direct a question at me, or when they commented on how long it was taking us to get there (not in a whiny way; just an observation of the distance from my house, which is true - it's a bit of a trek). In the entire 60 minutes, I listened to them chatter away in the Shanghainese dialect, only recognizing a word or two every so often. At one point, Miss L listed the names of all the cities to which I've been over there in her homeland. So, I know I was part of the conversational topic for at least a while. I can understand this. If the roles were reversed and I was staying in a foreign country where everything was unfamiliar and I had a chance to do something normal, comfortable, and familiar for a while, like speak my own language, I'd probably want to talk all day long too. Still, it was odd to be on the outs. I figured that must be how all those taxi drivers felt when Deb and I were zooming around town in GZ... only they were getting paid... and yelling into their cell phones the whole time while barely avoiding large buses and creating their own turning lane out of the shoulder of the road.

Eventually, we did arrive at the mall, and Miss W promptly informed me that I was free to sit on a bench and they'd meet up with me later. I probed a little as to whether she said this because they thought they were doing me a favor by releasing me from my tour guide duties, thinking that I perceived my "chaperoning" of them as a burden, or whether they really didn't want me following. It seemed to be the first of those two options. So, I explained that I had already driven out there, I had nothing else to do, and I really didn't mind tagging along, as I figured they may be able to use some help communicating with the sales clerks. (What else was I going to do all day long?!) So, seemingly satisfied with this answer, we set out... visions of designer handbags dancing in their heads.

Now, I grew up in Miami, a city known increasingly for... shall we say... bling? I went to a private school where brands like Louis Vuitton, Gucci, Tiffany's, and David Yurman were fairly commonly mentioned in conversations. I, however, haven never been part of that world. The daughter of two missionaries-turned-private-school-teachers doesn't exactly shop at Neiman Marcus on a regular basis, you know. So, up until this day, I had never in my life set foot into any of these stores. We started off at Coach. Miss L was determined to get herself a bag from there. We perused over the items in stock as the sales ladies cooed over my little tourists and asked me whether I understood any of their conversation. After some time, with no purchase, we moved on to Macy's. We. Spent. An. Hour. And. A. Half. In. Macy's. This may not be a big feat for you, dear reader, but I have to say, though I was most definitely a mall rat in my teen days, these days, I am not at all used to spending that much time in any store... except for Target, but we'll say that's b/c half my time there can be filed under "grocery shopping". They looked in every department. They tried on tons of clothes. They got really, REALLY excited over Tommy Hilfiger clothes. I sarcastically snapped pictures of particularly entertaining items throughout the store and texted them to my sister. It's how I survive.

By the time they were done in Macy's, the ladies had worked up quite an appetite. We headed to the food court... because apparently no mall is too snooty for a food court.

They continued their own conversation as we ate, while I stumbled clumsily with my chopsticks (wasn't gonna chicken out and ask for a fork. I can handle chopsticks decently... trying to show them I can relate, right?). Eventually, Miss W paused and looked at me and said, "Katie, I want to ask you a question, but I don't know if it is... uhhh... I don't know if I may ask it..." I smiled and replied "W, you can ask me absolutely anything you want to. It's ok. I don't mind." She proceeded to ask me why, if I already have four children, I would possibly want to adopt another. I explained our adoption story... how for as long as I can remember, I've known it's something I was made to do... how in high school I made sure Josh knew that I was going to "go get a Chinese baby"... how we adopt because it's what God did for us, bringing us into His family and calling us His own, regardless of where we come from or what we look like or the fact that we're not perfect. I went on to explain how we view Asher the same as our biological kids, and how I love him the same. I explained how excruciating the wait was and how, even though I don't know #5's name or gender or age or medical condition or anything yet, THIS IS MY BABY, and yes our family is large, and yes life is crazy, and yes I am thankful for the occasional day at the mall without the troupe, but in the end, each of my children is a tremendous blessing, and I am thankful and excited to bring another into our family. They nodded with slight looks of confusion until I added, "... Plus, I think it will be good for Asher and for this new baby to have someone else in the family who looks like him." This was met with certain approval.

So, then I took the opportunity to ask them some questions. I've heard about the position of their society towards children with disabilities. You can't go through the adoption process without hearing and noticing things. I know stuff. It doesn't take more then a simple Google search to learn things that would break a momma's heart. In the interest of discretion, as we are currently in-process, I won't go into these things at all. However, I will tell you that when I inquired about them... with the greatest measure of delicacy and awareness of their culture that I have in me... I was hoping with every fiber of my being that they would disprove the rumors I'd heard; that they'd present a different viewpoint. This was not the case. They confirmed every single point. They didn't do it in a sinister way... no evil "bad guy" laughs. No schoolyard bully faces or Dr. Doofenschmirtz "inators" referenced. Just very matter-of-fact, this-is-the-way-life-is-why-would-you-expect-it-to-be-any-different? My heart hurt.

Again, it wasn't that I got offended by what they said. They were just explaining to me the answer to my questions about life at home... same as if you came from another country and asked me what the protocol is here for ordering a sandwich at Subway or washing a load of laundry. Not much consideration into the how or why. Just do it as it's done. No biggie. What got me was that lack of questioning. Again, I can't go into it more here... but call me and I'll talk your ear off about it. Suffice it to say, though before lunch I thought the Coach bags were a bit silly, and the Tommy Hilfiger made me laugh because that and the Jessica McClintock dress section were both a throwback to 1996 in my mind, lunch got me down. I left the table, struggling to breathe, and asking in my head "Father, what do I do with this? It hurts. Those are YOUR children... YOUR precious little ones." Thankfully, I heard His voice whisper back "I know. It hurts my heart even more than you know." 

After that conversation, the mall that seemed excessive and a little silly became something entirely different, and something rose up in me that is rare. I'm not a debater. I'm not a persuasive speaker. I'm a conflict avoid-er. (I got a C in debate because I ended up agreeing with my opponent). All of the sudden though, this was not a mall. It was one big giant lie. Part of a scheme to pull people away from that which they were made to treasure... a distraction from what really matters...

Time for another disclaimer because I'm afraid that this next part is again going to rub some people the wrong way. Hear me out. 1. I don't blame these ladies for wanting to shop. It's kind of what people do when they travel. They're hitting up all there is to do, sight-seeing-wise, with the students during the week. So, why not shop on the weekend. Plus, most of this stuff would cost them 4x as much back home. So, if I was in their country and knew I was getting a 75% off discount on something, I'd totally go for it. In fact, I did. Last summer, I bought a "Lego" airplane in Guangzhou for $8. I thought it was a total bargain. 2. Please hear this: if you happen to regularly shop at the stores I mention in this post, I AM NOT CONDEMNING YOU! Nor am I lecturing you. I am trying very hard to put what is in my head onto the "page." It's none of my business what you do with your finances, and we all have ways that we could cut back. I most certainly own more than I need. I am not judge, jury, and executioner, nor do I want to be. I will tell you, however, that if this post makes you slightly uncomfortable and a little squirmy in your chair, I don't really mind, because this whole ordeal has made me VERY uncomfortable. Maybe it's a good thing to get uncomfortable and analyze things every now and then.

... now back to our regularly scheduled blogging...

So, here I was, walking in a bit of a daze from lunch, and we go pretty much straight into Louis Vuitton... or "LV" as my guests called it. W was determined to buy one of these bags. Now, the Coach bags were one thing. Sure, they happen to cost more than my dear friend/single mom of several kids currently has to spend on an entire month's worth of groceries, but who's counting? 

Enter Louis. I've seen them. I know people who have them. I never knew what this world was like. Security guards are standing watch over them.

...wait.... 

what?

Security guards stand watch over purses. PURSES!!!!! Forgive me for being extremely un-fashionable, but it is a vessel, albeit a fancy-pants one, to carry around your stuff! Stuff the "wearer" of this guard-able bag gets to tote around and then probably whine about (not because people who have Louis Vuitton bags are all whiny... but because it's what we do as humans. We whine). "My bag is so heavy!" "Ugh! I've got so much junk in this bag, I can't find my phone!" "Ack! My lipgloss spilled all over the inside of my bag and all my stuff is now sticky"... get it? I've got a bag too. It's filled with stuff.

It's not that having a nice purse is wrong. What hit me is the fact that the state of this world we live in tells us that it's perfectly acceptable to have a shrine to handbags, complete with large, burly men standing guard to make sure nothing happens to these inanimate objects while there are countless human beings in this world who need protecting. Who is looking out for them? The "god of this world" (little g... not capital G)... the great deceiver... the devil himself had blinded our hearts to the truth. Carefully crafting a lie that tells us that those problems aren't real. They're a world away. And that same "god of this world" is the one whose deceit and intent to harm has put all those people in danger. Children abandoned because they're less than "perfect." Girls sold into slavery to feed lustful desires. Basic human rights deprived from so many. But it's ok. "It's a really great handbag."

As Miss W was asking the sales clerk to let her look at this bag and that, I quietly approached the clerk and asked her "Um, I know this is a weird question, but do you ever, like, walk into Target and buy a new purse there?" I may as well have asked her "Um, do you every buy cheese on the moon?" That was the look I got. (Disclaimer... not judging her either... I'm sure she's a lovely girl. She was perfectly polished and knew a lot about handbags.)

By the time we hit Gucci I'd had enough. The rest of the time was a blur. I wanted to ask the people at Tiffany's if they'd ever seen the blood diamond video on YouTube. I did not. I smiled and helped my visitors flag down sales people and find the perfect style of whatever they needed for whomever was on their shopping lists. I followed behind them as they walked and I listened to their foreign language conversations, and I graciously accepted their thanks for bringing them to this wonderful mall. "It is so beautiful. So many wonderful things. You are so kind. I am so happy. Thank you for driving us so far."

I am not one to protest. In fact, I can honestly and ashamedly say that until we started the process to adopt Asher, I was quite contentedly unaware of most anything going on around the world. Friends would comment on the tragic situation over here, or the devastating events over there, and I was really good at putting on a concerned face and nodding in empty agreement. And to a large degree, I'm still that way. I don't watch the news much. But my eyes are slowly being opened to the reality of the world, and I am beginning to really understand that it's not just an "over there" problem. Yes, the fact that so much of the world has no money and no food to eat is a problem. But that's not just over in a faraway land. It's here too. The entire world is crying out. How long?

In the end, Miss W did indeed get her "LV" bag. Miss L got her Coach bag, her Tiffany necklace, and a small fortune in clothing and cosmetics. In my best estimation, on that one day they spent the equivalent of a year's worth of groceries for my aforementioned friend, according to her budget. The equivalent of 8.5 years of aid sponsorship through an organization like Show Hope, Compassion, Gospel for Asia, World Vision, etc. More than the equivalent of the orphanage fees we have to pay for this adoption. And that was just one day of this trip.

I really am not criticizing their choice to spend their money this way. Again, they thought they'd gotten quite the bargain. I, however, left with a completely different outlook. I realize that they are simply the product of the society in which they've been raised, and if I felt free to disclose more details of our lunchtime conversation, I think I could exemplify this better. If you're thinking it's hypocritical of me to process all this in my head while helping them flag down sales clerks, please bear in mind that I understand the futility of trying to debate with them and change their minds. Cramming my view of the situation down their throats mid-shopping trip wouldn't really accomplish anything. Pulling up the websites and videos wouldn't prove my point all that effectively. But please rest assured that I did share facts. They aren't high-level officials. They are everyday people. It would be like one of them arguing with me about our president's policies. Whether I agree with them or not, I can't exactly call him up and tell him that I've decided he needs to change things. So, though I did try to explain my view of the situation and the facts I know, I knew that pushing the point wouldn't really accomplish too much.

What if we stopped buying into the lie that stuff will make us happier. What if we took the blessing of whatever God has provided for us... money... talent... time... whatever... and invested it into something of eternal significance? Luke 12:15 says "Watch out! Be on guard against all kinds of greed; a man's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions." Verse 33 says "... Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

I don't know what this looks like for me. But I do know that I'm not looking at things the same way. I am completely heartbroken. Am I the only one? Is there anyone else out there who can see my point? Is this making you uncomfortable too? Do you think it's ok that we live in a world whose perspective says it's ok to stand guard over handbags while people live in danger every day? Is it ok to spend as much as we do because we "work hard and deserve it" when so many don't have food and basic needs provided for them? Are we so quick to assume that they got themselves into the problem and it's not our responsibility to help them out? 

James 1:27 - "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." I think our perspective has been polluted.

Matthew 25:40 - “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’"

... I just can't help thinking that the Father God who made every person on the planet in His image, and His Son Jesus who came and willingly sacrificed His life to pay the penalty for our sins and redeem us, adopting us into His own family wouldn't really get on board with a lot of what we decide we "deserve". I think there's more to it. Yes, He blesses us, but what if He blesses us so that we can turn it around and bless others, showing who He is... pointing it all back to Him?

I hope this post serves to make us think. If nothing else, as I've said before, I usually blog mostly to journal things that I don't want to forget. My eyes have been opened. I don't want to forget. 


 If you feel like you want to get involved in something that will truly bless someone and make a difference, pray about what God would have you do. For more information, please click on one of the links above. 


... If you're not ready to commit to one of those types of charitable organizations, and you think I'm a party pooper for saying that we should re-prioritize our spending, how about at least considering some charitable consumerism? Purchase for a Purpose! There's some really cool stuff out there... proceeds go to very worthy causes... a lot of my Christmas shopping from last year came from places like these: 
Show Hope - kinda my uniform
Bead for Life - love my beads and LOVE their shea butter lip balm!
Ssekos - my favorite shoes. Ever. 
Light Gives Heat - more cool beads...
Amazima - even more cool beads...
Punjammies - on the top of my own wish list!
and this post from Jen Hatmaker's blog lists several more charitable retailers. 

.... and also (because I haven't gone on long enough) if you're wondering what I'm talking about with the diamonds, watch this video.