Update Part 1: Expectations

I haven't written anything since September! Of course, if you've attempted to check this anytime lately, you might have noticed that fact. I'm not sure why, but try as I might, I haven't been able to get myself to write anything. It's not that I haven't thought of it. It's not that we haven't made progress in the process, and it's not that I don't have anything to say. I think it's just that, compared to last time around, there's more going on in this house at any given moment, and when I finally get a moment to collect my thoughts, I've usually forgotten them already. Then someone announces they need a drink... or a potty break... or help with a math paper... or a Lego car built... or... 

You get the point. 

So, here I am now, trying my best to write a succinct, but detailed account of all that has happened these past few months without making you read a(nother) novel. 

In general adoption process news: 

We received our LOA on November 15th. This is a big step. The LOA (Letter of Acceptance, a.k.a. LSC, or Letter of Seeking Confirmation from Adopter - and no, I didn't misplace that "of"... Mandarin translates to English delightfully!) is China's official stamp of approval for us to adopt Zach. So... yes... a BIG DEAL! The wait for LOA was longer this time around for a couple of different reasons that I won't really get into now. Let me just tell you... it was not fun. But, it is behind us now, and we are currently waiting on the second round of immigration approval from USCIS. Hopefully that will come early next week. Then there's a couple mildly confusing steps which basically involve the U.S. promising to give Zach a visa to enter the country when the necessary time arrives. Once that stuff gets sent to the right places, China will issue Travel Approval (TA). Once we have TA, our agency will set up an appointment for us at the U.S. Consulate in Guangzhou, and then the whole trip is scheduled around that. So... when I write it out that way, it sounds like it should all be knocked out in about 3 or 4 days. If only...

In other news, we have gotten no updates on Zach. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Argh! Technically, you are allowed to request one update on your child's file during your process. Unless prompted otherwise, our agency automatically requests this update when you receive your LOA. However, a response is not guaranteed. Some orphanages are very cooperative and return updates quickly. Some take a few months. Some not at all. We just get to wait and see. I have no reason to believe he's not well and fine... as safe and healthy as one can be, given the circumstances. However, most days I pretty much want to scream "Throw me a freakin' bone here!!!" Just the slightest glimpse would do this Momma a world of good! I understand that the privacy and the secrecy and all these policies are in place for a reason... at least in theory. I understand that, technically speaking, he is not yet legally our child, nor will he be until we are there, swearing under oath not to abandon him. However, you try and tell most any waiting mom who's this far in that the kid she's trying to get info on isn't really hers. See how well that goes over. All that to say. No news. 

The one question I've probably been asked more than any other this time around is: "So, what's it like the second time around? Are things different?" I've thought about this a lot over the past week or so, and I've come to the following conclusion: EVERYTHING is different! OK, well, maybe not everything, but for me, it's been a very different experience this time around. 

In the beginning, during the paperchase, it was good-different. I knew what to expect. I knew the game. I was ahead of the game. I was on top of the game! Papers were flying left and right and we were making great time! I knew that we wouldn't be matched until after we were logged-in this time, and so I was actually able to remain more separated from the emotional side of it, in a way. We were moving towards the goal of this new child, but without a face to look at, it was often very theoretical and the paperchase was almost business-like. Easy. I knew what to expect, and things were going according to my expectations with barely any exceptions. 

Danger, Will Robinson! Danger! 

Don't get comfortable!

When we first met with our current social worker, who was also the CCAI branch director at the time... way back in early 2010, before we began our process for Asher, she asked us a question that has always stuck in my head. After we asked all our questions to her and she gave the general informative speech, she asked us "What are your expectations for this process?" I thought about it for a minute and said, "Well, I don't really have any. I expect that we will start the process, and that at some point in time, we will bring home a child. And I expect the process to be a pain." She said that was a good answer. She said that people often come in with all sorts of preconceived notions of the process, and of the child, and of China, and of themselves, and adoption in general... and basically that these people all, at one point or another, get incredibly frustrated because reality rarely meets expectations. 

This time around, though I really didn't realize it, I had EXPECTATIONS... and nearly every. single. one. has been the complete opposite of the reality. Some in good ways. Some in incredibly hard ways. 

I will share just a few.

Expectation: We would be close to travel by now. As in, suitcases starting to be packed. Back when we started this, and because of the rate at which our paperchase was flying, we were told on more than one occasion that, barring any unforeseen speed bumps, we would have no issue getting to China by December. 

Reality: Not the case. And it's not that we've even hit any real heinous speed bumps. Our LOA wait was longer than many people I know, but still not as long as the (notoriously conservative when it comes to timelines) agency warns us it could be. So, I'm not sure it can really be considered a speed bump as much as annoying timing. We ran into a major Chinese holiday, which brought processing to a full stop over there. Happens every year. Last time, we happened to get LOA before the holiday break. I was blissfully unaware that the threat of this delay even existed. 

Expectation: We will not have as much history on Zach as we do on Asher. 

Reality: Although, as I mentioned, we haven't received any recent updates, we do know a good deal more about him and his care than the average file divulges. With Asher, we knew a lot because of where he was cared for and the fact that certain standards (that now put a halt on info getting out) were not yet in place. But, I realized that this was not normal, but rather a gigantic blessing, and I had mentally prepped myself to expect that this child's file would have one, maybe two pictures; that our child would be in some tiny, remote orphanage with little contact to the outside world, and that we wouldn't have nearly the same documentation of his history. We have been very blessed once again to know he has been in excellent care from very early on, and that a (comparatively) hefty amount of history is compiled for him... not that we have it at this point in time... but it will be accessible later on down the road. This is, again, a tremendous and unexpected gift! 

Expectation: I really, REALLY thought... hoped....  wanted to be matched with a girl.

Reality: Um... self-explanatory. It's fine though. Boys are great. And in every single logical way, a boy makes so much more sense for us right now anyway. Please don't take away from this the idea that I am slightly mopey and resigned to him because he's a boy. I'm not. He's great and I'm completely on board and excited. It's just another expectation that's turned out differently. 

Expectation: I would immediately feel the same about him as I did about Asher.

Reality: It's been different. And this is something I hesitate to even record here for fear that I won't be able to explain it accurately, or that it will be misconstrued (especially after my last point), or that future Zach will read it and somehow question my love for him. However, I want to be honest about it because there may be another waiting mom out there who feels the same way, but harbors the same confused and at times even guilty feelings for feeling this way. Zach is not Asher. Duh. Asher is not Zach. However, the situations are similar enough to make my brain want to, by default, lump them into the same category quite often. Their files are so similar that some parts are nearly word-for-word. So, my brain does what I think must be normal in a new situation, which is to try to fit the few pieces it has to work with into a familiar scenario. So, I would look at pictures of Zach and my brain would try to relate them to Asher... his process... his personality... his temperament... his history. The problem was that again... Zach is not Asher. And the combination of this blatantly basic and obvious fact along with the decreased amount of information I do have about his personality left me confused. Even his pictures convey a very different demeanor. Asher was indeed the mischief maker. He still is. I had numerous photos of him with his arm in the air, posed and ready to throw something at the camera. The earliest video clip I have is one of him banging a toy on a sweet little girl's head. He was/is active and goofy and always on the move. Zach just doesn't look like that in any picture I have. That's not to say that he may not come home and, once he's accustomed to this crazy band of monkeys, start to have more of that personality come out, but it's not who I see when I look at the handful of pictures I  have. It just all left me staring at his picture thinking to myself, "Who are you? I mean, you're really cute. I can see that. You are mine. I know that in my head. You're coming home to me, and I'm happy about that and excited to bring you here, but I don't know you." That has been pretty disconcerting to me at times. Some have said to me that God is protecting my heart from becoming as attached this early on. That could be. Some have said that the excitement of the first time around just isn't the same with the second process... not because the second child isn't equally as exciting, but because the "newness" of the process has worn off. There's a lot less mystery this time around in some aspects. I'm not sure. And I could go on trying to explain this part for another hour, but I won't. All that to say, the emotional processing has been different for me personally this time. Again, I am thrilled to pieces about Zach. He is my son, and there is no question mark in any part of me about that. I have no fears about loving him differently or less. He IS mine. I just feel less informed about him than I was about Asher, and when the only other scenario I have to relate it to is Asher's, the differences are apparent. When we walked into that room on Gotcha Day to meet Asher, I felt that I knew that kid. Of course, I didn't know every little detail. We are still learning things about him all the time, just like our other children. But I felt like I had a good grasp on who he was, generally speaking. Zach remains a question mark to me. But I know we'll get there. 

These are just a few of the ways that this process has been different. I could go on about so many other things, like how I was pretty much alone last time around, in terms of not really knowing many adoptive families who had "been there, done that," but this time, I am in contact with literally hundreds. I could tell you what a difference it makes - both positive AND negative - to be able to share information and compare timelines with these families. I could even go on and on about the differences that have come with the fact that last time around, I had 1 child in traditional school 5 days a week, 1 child in a 2-day a week program, and 1 baby in the house, versus all 4 older and mobile and homeschooled and all up in my face 24/7/365! That puts a different spin on it too! Finances have been different, and God has shut down avenues that I expected Him to use once again to provide for this, but then opened up incredible gifts... different paths of provision... ones I would have never dreamed of, showing yet again that His plan and vision is so much higher and greater while mine is so short-sighted. The list goes on... 

Not better this time. Not worse. Just different. A different experience, though the process itself really isn't very different. Still, I am so thankful to be going through it all again.