I'm Letting Go

(I hesitated even putting it up at this point, because at the time I'm writing, only four people know about this blog so far.  It hasn't officially been "unveiled" yet.  So, posting it actually takes things out of order for when it does get opened to the public... but oh well, I guess I can explain the order of things later on.)

Since this process will be somewhat slow-going, it leaves me with a lot of time to think and analyze, which can be a dangerous thing.  So, some posts will be less factually informative and more journalistic in nature.  Today's post falls under the latter category.  Warning: "Journally" posts tend to be a little rambly, so bear with me.  I'm often thinking things out as I go...

I spoke a little in the FAQ post about the gender of the child we will be adopting, and how I'm trying to just go into it like a regular pregnancy and know that we really don't have a choice in that either.  Whatever we end up with will be fine.  God knows the child for us already, and He has created that child specifically knowing that he or she will be in our family.  I am not afraid of who He has picked or the outcome that will be revealed to us.  As I have said before, I am fully confident that we're called to do this, and because of that, no matter what the outcome, we are doing the right thing, and He will be glorified in the process.  This child will be a blessing, regardless of whether it's a boy or a girl. 

All that said though, it's really hard to get over that picture in my head.  As Steven Curtis Chapman phrases it: "Heaven is the face of a little girl with dark brown eyes that disappear when she smiles."  Something about those little girls just captures my heart.  I love my Benjamin.  He is the funniest little man I've ever seen, and I wouldn't trade him out for another girl. No question about it.  So why then do I hold on to this image?  

There are tons of blogs out there about people's adoptions from China.  Because the majority of Chinese children adopted are girls, so are the majority of blogs.  It's been really hard to find more than one or two blogs about boys that have been adopted, (and waiting children, for that matter).  I look at the blogs, and it's almost like looking at a catalog.  I see pictures of them and think "That's exactly the one I want!'  How ridiculous is that?  Like I can just fill out a form and specify that I want model number D3417?!  

I want to follow God's will for this whole process.  He put the desire in my heart. He guides the steps we take, and only He knows the outcome of all this.  Philippians 4:6 says "Do not be anxious about anything."  The funny thing is that I have no anxiety whatsoever about any part of this process.  Not worried about potential strange random health issues from years ago that could cause a hiccup in the paperwork. Not worried about the fact that we're dealing with a communist country that could plausibly decide to close its doors if it felt like it.  Not worried about leaving our other kids to travel to the other side of the planet, or about all the bonding issues that we may have to deal with when this little stranger is introduced into our family.  I have no problem accepting that "when God orders something, He pays for it," and He has a way to work out all these details.  Nothing bothers me other than this, and it's not the fact that it may be a boy that bothers me.  Boy or girl, it's fine.  It's just hard to let go of what I've planned for my life in order to let His plan take center stage.  Who knows?  There's a 50/50 chance that our plans line up anyway, and there's nothing for me to "get over."  

I listen to "the Message" on satellite radio a lot, and one song they play over and over seems to fit this thought pattern quite well right now.  So, I'll share the lyrics with you, and then you can quit trying to decipher my ramblings and get on with your day.

"I'm Letting Go" by Francesca Batistelli

My heart beats, standing on the edge

But my feet have finally left the ledge

Like an acrobat

There’s no turning back

(Chorus)

I’m letting go

Of the life I planned for me

And my dreams

I’m losing control

Of my destiny

It feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe

So I’m letting go

This is a giant leap of faith

Trusting and trying to embrace

The fear of the unknown

Beyond my comfort zone

(Chorus)

Giving in to your gravity

Knowing You are holding me

I’m not afraid

(Chorus)

Feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe

Feels like I’m falling and this is the life for me